God Awful Things

This is going to be a more personal post than I normally do, so if you don’t want to hear about feelings and such, then I recommend skipping this. Consider yourself warned.

About 8 years ago as the end of college approached I was faced with two different paths.  I could move into Chicago and start my design life there, or I could go west, do it all by myself, and design it up in Los Angeles.  At the time, I was madly in love and if she had asked me to stay I would have in a heart beat, but as is often the case, she didn’t know how she felt about me and wouldn’t ask me to put my life on hold.  So I got in my car and drove about 1000 miles before I found the flower and letter she’d hidden under my seat. 

It comes as no surprise to anyone about my frustration in Los Angeles, the traffic, the people, etc.  I loved Los Angeles though, for a few years, but I always said that I would move away by the time I was 30.  32 approaches now.  I still visit the midwest every summer and every time I say “this is where I want to settle down, after making my fortunes”.  I am always amazed by midwestern hospitality, and it’s very lacking in Los Angeles.

This weekend, myself and some friends went up to big bear. (Highlights Here).  On the way up, I was talking of the Tao with Tom and Serene. Yin and Yang, how my misery needs others happiness, etc etc.  You see, everyone thinks I am a huge grouch, and you know what? I am, I have been unhappy for a few years now.  We stopped in a liquor store to procure supplies and on the way out I noticed a dusty bottle with a big yin yang symbol on it.  The bottle read Tao (the path), taking it as a sign I purchased the bottle.  I’d also point out that I did a google image search for this bottle but nothing shows up.. mysterious.

So up the winding road we went, following our path to the destination.  Folks drank and sat in the hot tub whilst I stayed inside trying to keep myself from breaking down.  I have friends, but something’s missing, and having that feeling can be especially debilitating and lonely.  I don’t know why it is, but I have talked of it frequently and voiced my frustration with it, I just don’t know how to make those relationships satisfying.

Last weekend I went go visit a friend in Chicago. I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in I don’t know how long and a certain intimacy that I really don’t remember having felt in nearly a decade.  Upon my return our friendship was awkward and any sign of there being any connection was greeted with short responses and a strange distance, naturally.

Of course, it makes no sense to me and I spent plenty of nights wondering just what the hell happened, but ultimately, there is nothing I can do about it.  Some things are just out of ones control, and if nothing else I had a couple days of being happy.

But the lingering side of things is just that reminder of how what you have isn’t good enough, and that is always going to send me down a shame spiral.  Which I promptly embarked upon.

So I sat in the chair in big bear listening to music, trying to pull myself together and shake these thoughts from my head.. it’s exhausting when it’s all you can think of, and eventually you will do whatever you can to get rid of them.  This sentence will be replaced at a later date.  So there I laid, staring at the ceiling, counting numbers on my fingers trying to sleep, what time was it? 5am.. I climbed down the ladder because I felt sick.. I grabbed my headphones and would listen to Early Day Miners, they always put me to sleep.. but not this time, I thought about how a week earlier I had also not been able to sleep, staring at the ceiling in the same fashion.

It seemed like all I did saturday was try to sleep, unable to, feeling like I was losing my mind, I think at 6 is when I gave up and said I would just pass out instead.  And there was that bottle of Tao, a disgusting blend of vodka and brandy, it burnt like hell fire.  Then I was in the hot tub spilling my guts to what I hope was an extremely inebriated audience as I am not prone to discussing emotional issues with friends, but I guess when you’ve got a weeks worth bottled up, they have to explode some time when you have no one you can tell anymore.

I returned and we passed that bottle of Tao around, I threw up, I hit Chris Reynolds in the head with a fake christmas tree, it must have hurt as he wanted to punch me in the face, I said he could, so we went outside, I slipped on the ice. He no longer cared to, but said he almost did.  A cab showed up to take some of us bowling, I slipped walking to it.  We bowled, I was terrible, we went to a bar, we returned to the house, quiet, everyone passed out, I knew I would finally sleep.. a brief question of the previous nights events to which I can’t remember my response and I finally slept.

This morning came on with a bright light striking me in the eye. The Tao had shown me the path to losing my ego and id.. and I felt terrible. We drove back down the mountain and I started trying to organize my thoughts of the weekend.  I thought about how tired I am of doing the same thing over and over, and how I have said that over and over.  When you have nothing, you really have nothing to lose. And so I thought about moving, not just a new apartment, but a new city.

I need a change,  I have long needed a change.. I may have needed a change before I ever even came here.. so now I am entertaining thoughts of moving to Chicago. Maybe a birthday present to myself.  It’s just a thought, I know a fools one probably, I mean in these economic conditions it would be absolutely stupid, but so what? Maybe this is where my path points, I’ve got friends out there still and I have the experience and the brain that makes me a good employee in any economic condition.  So I am thinking, I want to make sure that this isn’t my wanting to run away from my embarrassment.. 

The tao states that when things are in turmoil that you’re not going with the tao. Why swim up river when the river doesn’t want you to go there? Trust your path to send you where you should be.  I have always simplified this to “whatever is easiest”, and that if something isn’t easy than you’re doing it wrong.. I know this isn’t truly the case, but here, in this situation, maybe it is time, so I will think.

As I passed Pasadena I thought about how easy it could be, but having typed this up I am now wondering how pure of thought this is.. I guess that’s why I will think about it, finally, something new to think about.