God Awful Things

So, a common question gentlemen callers have of their lady friends (whom have boyfriends) “how can I sex her up?”, fortunately over at Batteries Feel Included “So, you’re in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.”

Well, I am pleased to report that it is a pretty decent plan that I highly recommend if you’re looking for that advice.. here is my personal favorite moments..

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend’s house.

Always solid.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you’ve come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

I was smiling by this point.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part – The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It’s up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You’ve come back in time because you can’t help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn’t been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Anyway, give it a read, it’s good.. my own personal version of this is a bit more complicated..

Step 1 is to get her to break up with the boyfriend, or have doubts about their relationship.. this only works if you are in it for the long haul and willing to run the risk of being Mayor of Friendsville, Population 1.

I usually like to casually point out any weirdness in their relationship, which there always is something weird, like “what do you mean he doesn’t let you spend the night?”

Then wait a year or 2, then step 2. get a bottle of tequila.. the end!