God Awful Things

I hesitate to even type this up, I know I will have to come back many times and edit things as more and more discoveries are made and research conducted, but, by God, it’s time to tell them world.  You see, me and the ladies, well, the relationship can best be described as trouble.  I like them, they don’t like me, or I like them, they like someone else, or they like me, I don’t like them, or they like me and I have no clue, or I like them but won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing, and on and so forth.  Why all this complicated? I don’t know, I blame my parents and my general socially retarded means of understanding others emotions.  Due to this sort of complications I am more frequently outside of a relationship (in the regards that most see as a relation) than inside of one… It’s complicated already.

Anyway, this is not to say that I am entirely unsuccessful in my pursuits of the more carnal nature, or relationship for that matter, but, like most, am on the receiving end of either less likely than I may like myself to be.. well, maybe.  I average a monogamous relationship on the average of once every 4 years, that is, every four years after the previous has concluded… average mind you, excepts to every rule and all that.  I find myself actually liking someone about every 7 years (yes, those don’t match up, and yes, thats part of the problem).   The average of someone liking me (that I know of) really starts to complicate things as it seems to be 2 people every 3 years, so for all these stars too align, well, I’m not mathematician but if I am calculating this properly.. the stars align on average… every…. 21 years.

So in the mean time, one must do what (or who) they can in the meantime.

It was around autumn of 2001 that I first stumbled on to a hypothesis that would later change my life.

You see, back then, I was smitten with a girl whom was not as excited to be around me as I hear,  it didn’t truly bother me, we were good friends, and I was young and dumb at the time and thought “Well, if I can get that part of a relationship from here, then I can get the physical elsewhere..” I was in college, I was pushing the barriers of tradition.. man.   You see, I’m not one whom is particularly suave (well, at least then I wasn’t), but I have a pretty quick mind and mouth which helps immensely.  Like knowing if you could get someone back to your apartment and play Mazzy Star, at the very least, you were guaranteed a snog. AT THE LEAST.  But I was frustrated with the _quality_ of the gal I could get back to my place, for some, its quantity not quality, but I’ve always been a believer of the other direction.

Well, what happened is the following, I was at a halloween party filming people in their costumes making sad faces for a movie I was working on for a class (high conceptual, man).. And this girl asked me out, and I remember thinking “the hell? this girl is out of my league, she must be joking”.  The next weekend I went dancing with a couple girls (it was the early aughts, dancing was still allowed) and making out with one and the other asking me to go out with her a few days down the road… (Side Note: we didn’t go out because something happened between she and I that I can’t remember what it was and her boyfriend never trusted me again.. wise boy.)  A few weeks after this I was walking home after a night of boozing and walking a friend home, I helped her up her stairs before tripping and falling into the sack with her. (This made the next morning particularly amusing when she returned my wallet before going to a thanksgiving party).

A couple weeks after this, I was making out with my friend whom had no interest in me before, and soon after that she would trip into my bed too..

When I would later think back on these times I wondered if maybe I had been exuding something since I knew I was leaving town, but it would stick in my mind for much time to come.  Years progressed before I finally noticed a pattern arriving.  In fall and winter it seemed I could score with a higher caliber of girl than I would in the spring and summer.  Further charting would narrow down the time frame to be the weekend before Thanksgiving to the Weekend of or after Valentines Day.  This time of year would later be coined “The Season™®©” by yours truly.

Further refinement would discover the Pre-Season, which is from Halloween to the start of the Season proper.  It would also discover the Post-Season which is from the end of the season until march.. It’s when those when the best game of the season get a playoff series.

Last year when crunching the numbers I told the good friend, Chris Reynolds (of Eulogies fame) that all the leading indicators were indicating an epic season, we all crossed our fingers and hoped it would prove to be true.

Well, it ended up being one for sure.  Last year an old classmate of mine was out with some friends of his and one of his lady friends asked me if the same is true for women, and I told her “No, Look at the guys you’ve been with, and then chart when the worst ones were?” She was a true believer after this.

Now, for this year, the leading indicators started showing up especially early.. I don’t know if this is due to global warming or what, or if this will start a false season early or what, but so far I’m counting this as a sign of an even greater season than last.  And last was good for all sorts of reasons, I remember Obama winning was worth some points on the graph, and I think similarly the economy starting to turn around will be a _huge_ boon for emotional desperation this year.. see, when things are good and the holidays are around, gals really begin to think “I have everything I need, but no one” and chaps like me start looking pretty good.. available (just not emotionally), careers, brains etc etc..blah blah, anyway.. the moral is.. this year should be a doozy, IF I play my cards right, a few seasons ago I completely wasted it trying to catch a big white whale (not literally mind you).  But I vowed not to make that mistake again.  Things have cooled and the pre-season is not far off..

In the interests of science I charted what I can remember of my exploits and the quality of such to create a graph, I suggest anyone else creating one as well, it’s quite interesting.

There is a slight tick up in May, but thats because of birthday action.